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On Estonia

October 17, 2010

Marketing Estonia to Europe

To Russians: “Estonia. The closest water-operated toilet on the continent”
To Italians: “Estonian women are reserved. They will never hit you”
To Indians: “You will feel right at home. Our cab drivers will try to swindle you as well”
To Swedes: “Europe’s least expensive breast implants”
To Africans: “Come and enjoy attention. And not necessarily unpleasant”
To Dutch: “Come and touch a live tree”
To Finns: “Table vodka 9 Euros a liter”
To Americans: “”Estonia is Europe’s low-calorie Russia: all the excitement with only half the danger.”

***************
Venelastele: “Eesti. Kontinendi lähim veevärgiga kemps.”
Itaallastele: “Eesti naised on vaoshoitud. Keegi ei anna sulle vastu kõrvu.”
Indialastele: “Tunne end nagu kodus – ka meie taksojuhid petavad.”
Rootslastele: “Euroopa odavaimad rinnaimplantaadid.”
Aafriklastele: “Tule ja naudi tähelepanu. Mitte tingimata ebameeldivat.”
Hollandlastele: “Tule ja puuduta elavat puud.”
Soomlastele: “Laua Viin 9 eurot liiter.”
Alla 25aastastele meestele: “Maa, kus autosõit on nagu Hollywoodi märulis.”
Prantslastele: “Pärast meid teate, mis teie köök väärt on.”
Ameeriklastele: “Estonia is Europe’s low-calorie Russia: all the excitement with only half the danger.”

Posted by jurgenkaljuvee at 12:19

Friday, 29 February 2008

How You Know When You are Dealing with an Estonian

1. You use the word ‘normal’ if something is ok.
2. When visiting friends abroad you bring along a box of Kalev chocolate.
3. You attended a song festival at least once either as a performer or as a
spectator.
4. You know that going to the sauna is 80% about networking and 20% about
washing
5. You are nationalistic about Skype (it is actually not an Estonian company)
6. ‘Kohuke’ belongs to your menu
7. You declare your taxes on the internet like all modern people
8. You actually believed for a while that Latvians had 6 toes per foot when
you heard that as a child
9. You are convinced that Estonia is very strategically located
10. You spent at least one midsummer in Saaremaa, Hiiumaa or one of the
smaller islands
11. You can quote films like ‘Viimne reliikvia’ and ‘Siin me oleme’
12. You spit three times around your left shoulder for good luck
13. Words like ‘veoauto’, ‘täieõiguslik’ or ‘jää-äär’ sound perfectly
pronouncable to you
14. You like bold statements, such as this one… [image: Wink]
15. There can never be too much sarcasm
16. You can at times drink hot tea to hot food
17. You are disappointed that Jaan Kross never got the Nobel prize in
literature
18. It would not be suprising for English-speakers to find your namenaughty
(Peep, Tiit, Andres [sounds like undress]) or hippy (Rein, Rain)
19. You have been to Finland
20. You say ‘Noh’ (sounds like NO) even when you speak English, just to
confuse people
21. You know the lyrics to ‘Mutionu’ and ‘Rongisõit’
22. You would never mistaken Kreisiraadio for a radio station
23. You would agree that wife-carrying is a real sport (at least as long as
Estonians are winning)
24. Your best friend’s girlfriend is your English teacher’s daughter and
they live next door to your grandparents, who were colleagues with your
advisor, who is friends with your…
25. You think that any beverage below 20% is non-alcoholic
26. You check the thermometer before going out
27. You look in both directions before crossing the road, even if it’s a
one-way street
28. You grin very mysteriously when people ask about your national food
29. You teach a non-Estonian speaker the word ‘Tänan’ before ‘Aitäh’
30. You put ketchup inside your pasta (french-cooked gourmet faire la
finemanger pasta) in order to not to get the ketchup-bowl dirty
31. You cheated on your wife/husband at least ten times but you still think
you’re in a good marriage.
32. When someone asks you ‘where is Estonia?’ you quickly reply that it’s
located in Northern Europe close to Finland…
33. Your grandmother’s ‘purse’ is an old plastic bag that has been reused
several times
34. Sour cream tastes good with everything
35. A foreigner speaks to you in broken horrible Estonian and you go on
andon about how wonderful their Estonian is compared to ‘the Russians”
36. You have ever worn or seen anyone wear ‘karupüksid’

Advice Column

August 7, 2009

Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter.. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was laid off six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

 

 

 

 

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Terry

Job at FBI

March 22, 2009

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

 two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.’
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried,
but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls.
 
After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said.  ‘I had to
beat him to death with the chair.’

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them

February 11, 2009

 My wife sat down on  the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She  asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
 
I said, ‘Dust.’
 
And then the fight started…
 
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for  our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something  shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
 
I bought her a scale.
 
And then the fight  started… 
  ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —– 
 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security  office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind  the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify  my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left  my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very  sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I  opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She  said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough  for me’ and she processed my Social Security  application.
 
When I got home, I excitedly told  my wife about my experience at the Social Security  office.
 
She said, ‘You should have dropped your  pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
 
And then the fight started… 
  ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —– 
 
 
I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare,  please.”
 
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the  mad cow?””
 
Nah, she can order for herself.”
 
And then the fight started…
 
———— ——— ——— —
 
A  woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her  husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
 
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near  perfect.’
 
And then the fight started…..
 
———— ——— ——— ——
 
I  tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light  for $14.95.
 
Instead, she bought a jar of cold  cream for $7.95.
 
I told her the beer would make  her look better at night than the cold cream.
 
And then the fight started…..
 
———— ——— ——— ——— —–
 
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her  butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she  wore yesterday
 
and then the fight started…..
 
———— ——— ——— ——— ——
 
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent  babies.
 
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a  loud noise came from outside.
 
The woman,  bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man  ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
 
So the man  jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the  window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a  thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
 
A few minutes later he returned and went up to  the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your  husband!’
 
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why  were you running?’
 
And then the fight  started…..
 
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —- 
  
 
I asked my wife, “Where do you  want to go for our anniversary? ”
 
It warmed my  heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.  “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
 
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
 
And that’s when the fight started….

Natuke kirandust eneseharimiseks

February 5, 2009

Kuidas jutustaksid loo Punamütsikesest:

Edgar Allan Poe:
Vana ja sünge salapäraselt julma loori mähitud metsa kohal hõljusid kurjakuulutavate sooaurude pilved, oli otsekui kuulda ahelate fataalset kõlinat. Müstilises õuduses elas selle metsa serval Punamütsike.

Ernst Hemingway:
Ema tuli tuppa. Ta pani lauale korvi. Korvis olid piim, nisuleib ja munad. ‘Näed,’ ütles ema.
‘Jah?’ küsis temalt Punamütsike.
‘Viid selle,’ ütles ema, ‘oma vanaemale.’
‘Hüva,’ ütles Punamütsike.
‘Ja vaata ette,’ ütles ema. ‘Hunt!’
‘Jah.’

Guy de Maupassant:
Hunt kohtas teda. Ta heitis Punamütsikesele selle erilise pilgu, mis saab Pariisi kogenud elumehe poolt osaks ikka veel süütust teeselda püüdvale provintsikokotile. Mees ei usu tema süütusse põrmugi rohkem kui tema ise ja näeb juba vaimusilmas, kuidas neiu lahti rõivastub, kuidas tema seelikud langevad üksteise järel ja kuidas tal lõpuks on üll ainult särk, mis lubab aimata tema keha ahvatlevaid piirjooni.

Victor Hugo
Punamütsikest haaras värin. Ta oli üksinda nagu nõel kõrbes, nagu liivakübe tähtede vallas, nagu gladiaator mürgiste madude keskel, nagu uneskäija ahjus…..

Jack London:
Kuid ta oli oma rassi vääriline tütar, tema soontes voolas valgete maailmarändurite tugev veri. Silmagi pilgutamata tormas ta hundile kallale, andis talle jalustrabava hoobi ja lisas sellele otsekohe klassikalise lõuahaagi. Hunt põgenes hirmunult. Punamütsike vaatas talle järele, naeratades võluvalt naiselikku naeratust.

Jaroslav Hashek:
‘Mis ma küll ometi tegin,’ pomises hunt. ‘Tegin enda täis, muud ei oska öelda…..

Honore de Balzac:
Hunt jõudis vanaema juurde ja koputas uksele. Selle ukse valmistas tundmatu meister XVII saj. keskpaiku. Ta raius ukse välja tollal moodsast kanada tammest, andis oma kätetööle klassikalise nelinurkse kuju ja riputas ta raudhingedele, mis võisid omal ajal head olla, kuid kriiksusid nüüd õudselt. Uksel polnud mingeid ornamente ega mustreid, ainult all paremas nurgas võis näha kriimustust, mille kohta jutustati, et selle olevat oma isikliku kannusega tõmmanud Celestin de Chavarges – Marie-Antoinett’i favoriit ja Punamütsikese vanaema vanaisa emapoolne tädipoeg. Muidu oli uks täiesti tavaline ja sellepärast pole mõtet temal üksikasjalikumalt peatuda.

Oscar Wilde:
Hunt: ‘Vabandage. Te ei tea mu nime, kuid….
Vanaema: ‘Oh, sel pole tähtsust. Tänapäeva seltskonnas on kõige parem kuulsus just neil, kel pole nime. Millega võin teile kasulik olla?’
Hunt: ‘Asi on nii….Mul on väga kahju, kuid ma tulin, et teid ära süüa.
Vanaema: ‘Kui armas! Olete väga teravmeelne d?entelmen.’
Hunt: ‘Mõtlen seda tõsiselt.’
Vanaema: ‘See annab teie vaimukusele erilise sära.’
Hunt ‘Olen rõõmus, et te ei suhtu liiga tõsiselt sellesse, mille ma teile nüüdsama teatavaks tegin.’
Vanaema: ‘Praegusel ajal tähendab tõsine suhtumine tõsistesse asjadesse ainult halba maitset.’
Hunt: ‘Millesse peaksime siis suhtuma tõsiselt?’
Vanaema: ‘Rumalustesse muidugi. Kuid olete talumatu.’
Hunt: ‘Millal on hundid talumatud?’
Vanaema: ‘Kui nad esitavad tüütuid küsimusi!’
Hunt: ‘Ja naised?’
Vanaema: ‘Kui ei leidu kedagi, kes naisele tema õige koha kätte näitaks.’
Hunt: ‘Olete väga karm enda vastu.’
Vanaema: ‘Loodan teie diskreetsusele.’
Hunt: ‘Võite kindel olla. Ma ei ütle kellelegi sõnagi.’ (sööb ta ära)
Vanaema (hundi kõhust):’Kahju, et kiirustasite. Kavatsesin teile just üht väga haaravat lugu jutustada.’

Erich Maria Remarque:
‘Tule siia,’ ütles hunt.
Punamütsike kallas kahte klaasi kalvaadost ja istus tema juurde voodisse. Nad hingasid sisse kalvaadose tuttavat hõngu. Selles lõhnas oli igatsust ja väsimust. Kalvaados oli nagu elu.
‘Muidugi,’ ütles Punamütsike. Meil pole enam tulevikku.’ Hunt vaikis. Ta oli sellega nõus.

Noor lootustandev Eesti kirjanik kirjutaks aga nii:
‘Raisk,’ kirus Punamütsikese ema. ‘Vanamutt köhib verd jälle. Mine vii talle mingi sepik ja pudel peeti. Las õgib end surnuks, lirva.’
‘Et see krõnks ei kärva juba,’ lisas Punamütsike, kustutas sigareti konservikarpi, kohendas rippuvaid sukki oma modellikoibade otsas ja tatsas minema.
Vastutulnud hundi saatis ta tegelema käsitööga, vanaemale ütles, mida ta temast arvab, ning jahimehed said rõõmsa üllatuse osaliseks.

 

Ja juristi variant:

 

Käesolevaga edastame teile informatsiooni juhtumist seoses
eelkooliealise alaealisega, keda vastavalt kohalikule tavale nimetatakse
tema ebatüüpilise peakatte tõttu Punamütsikeseks.
Eelnimetatud Punamütsikese emale toimetati kätte lihtkiri tema emalt,
millega viimane teatas enda haigestumisest ja hooldusvajadusest, mille
põhjal Punamütsikese ema otsustas vanaemale kätte toimetada saadetise,
mis sisaldas toiduaineid ja ravimeid. Enne saadetise kättetoimetamise
alustamist keelati Punamütsikesel tema ema poolt vanema õigustele
toetudes kõrvalekaldumine saadetise kättetoimetamiseks kasutatavalt
jalgteelt.
Jalgteel astus Punamütsikesega kontakti looduses vabalt elav metsloom,
kes kallutas teda ema poolt rakendatud keeldu otseselt rikkuma,
mahitades teda metsasaaduste korjamisele. Uluk nõudis Punamütsikeselt
õigusvastaselt selgitusi temal kaasas oleva toidu veoks kohandatud
kandevahendi sisu kohta ja tegi Punamütsikest küsitledes kindlaks tema
vanaema alalise elukoha.
Toidunappuse tõttu sisenes uluk seepeale identiteedipettust kasutades
vanaema eluruumidesse ja neelas eelnimetatud haiguse tõttu
liikumisvõimetu isiku alla tahtlusega ta ära seedida. Punamütsikese
jõudmisel eluruumi sooritas uluk taas identiteedipettuse, esinedes
seekord vanaemana, ning pani seejärel toime teistkordse allaneelamise,
luues niiviisi teoobjekti paljususe.
Elamu vahetus läheduses viibinud jahipidamisõigust omav isik sisenes
ehitisest kuuldud heli peale, tehes kindlaks selle pärinemise ulukist.
Seejärel tulistas jahipidamisõigust omav isik ulukit registreeritud
tulirelvast tiheasustusalale tunginud uluki surmamiseks sätestatud korras.
Surmatud uluki ebatavaline välimus andis alust arvata, et selle sees
võib leiduda inimmaterjali. Selle kindlakstegemise eesmärgil avas
jahipidamisõigust omav isik torke-lõikerelva abil surmatud uluki
kõhuõõne, misjärel pääses sealt välja veel elusolev Punamütsikene,
samuti eelnimetatu vanaema. Kui asjassepuutuvate isikute kohta ei ole
välja antud arstlikku surmatõendit ega koostatud surmaakti
perekonnaseisuameti poolt, tuleb eeldada nende elusolekut.

Chuck Norris Jokes

November 21, 2008

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris funds at LIBOR flat
Chuck Norris doesn’t target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.
Chuck Norris’s curves are never inverted
Chuck Norris doesn’t supply collateral, only collateral damage.
Chuck Norris doesnt hedge… he waits
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris lets live…
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mark to market.  The market marks to Chuck Norris.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain…
Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ”
** “CHUCK NORRIS TO INSURE U.S. TREASURY”                  ** “U.S. TREASURY TO INSURE CHUCK NORRIS”
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris every night.
Chuck Norris’s subprime CDO is par bid.
Contrary to popular belief, the US is not a democracy it is a Chucktatorship…
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris makes locked market on all CMBS
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.  Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris make onions cry
Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris can believe its not butter

Lehman Option Prices

September 11, 2008

Sample of options prices when volatility is around 311%

Option Prices at 300%+ volatility

Option Prices at 300%+ volatility